Fridays Musings

I feel bad its been a while since I've blogged - I guess I don't understand people - but I am trying to understand myself better - I think its like that song, and I don't know who sang it "the devil inside" - we all have that devil and its just trying to get out. And the Bible didn't say life was fair - Look how Jesus suffered and died, I am so grateful He did, but He didn't do anything except tell the truth - so surely for Him life wasn't fair.

How do I feel about supporting people who REFUSE to work - in a very real sense - I feel "Hell no" - then I remember how I drove poor Paul to bankruptcy because of Me - and then I feel bad - I feel people shouldn't be rewarded for making stupid mistakes then waiting for a government handout - but then again that debt was absolved from him, which was mine.

Bernie Madoff's victims - well I feel sorry in the sense that these people were paying taxes on money they didn't have, - and I will give them that - however, they were greedy and should have known that if the market was paying 4% - how did they except this weeasly little man to pay 10%?! Nothing in life is free and anyone that tells you otherwise is full of bullshit.

I am still worried about Bill - that hole in his foot isn't any better - and poor Dot she still isn't any better either.

Proverbs 17-22

I am doing good - if I look back about those posts about Wesley's diagnoses I would probably be surprised I wrote them - but hey thats how I felt and I wrote about it.

I have found the reason why you want to be like this:

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones - Proverbs 17-22.

We have a lady in our office, that I believe is truly living out the second part - I was very close to M. - but I wasn't - I realized how she was - and I had to pull way back, almost to the point of not having a friendly relationship with her - I don't know what she is bitter about and hateful about but she is - and I would love to take her out to lunch for her birthday but I don't want to be sucked in, not again. I realize I am far from perfect - but her issues with the office are hers not mine - I am taking the "three monkey" approach - see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil - at least the most I can.

Tonight I get to leave on time - and I am going to get my hair cut, I'm happy about that - and then tonight is the "chicks and sticks" meeting at Centerville Library and I am so excited about that - tommorow is Bill's second foot surgery and Dot's lung test - and Wesley's ear appointment, poor little one had a ear infection and he still isn't doing better - we took him to the doctor on 2/6 - our 10th anniversary! Then on Saturday we have a softball practice at 11- I hope it's nice because if it is I will take Wesley and we can go feed the geese - if not - I'll go and hope to stay warm - :) Then on Sunday at 3:00 we have another practice! April truly loves softball - she is a sweetheart - although when it is 9:00 pm and she wants me to find her something she totally makes me mad - uh oh...you go look for it.

The other night, Tuesday I was going to throw the kitty litter - well don't hold your cat box by the handle - it isn't strong enough, the box fell on the kitchen floor putting about 1/2 of the mess on the floor - so I throw all the garbage, cleaned that up - decided to wash the floor - did it - and went to put in some milk in the frig and I dropped the tea - lol - on Thursday as I pulled up I thought to myself "I am not washing the floor tonight" - well guess what the booger did - he dropped grandmas iced tea all over the floor - lol. Daddy cleaned up and cleaned that up! Wesley is getting braver and bolder - he just throws his leg up on the couch and climbs up - lol - its hard to believe both my babes are getting bigger.

They are both great kids - April is in the schools production of Beauty and the Beast - she is playing the old woman/enchantress/ and silly girl part 1 - that along with chorus, student councel, dance keeps her pretty busy.

Our Daily Bread 2/12/09

February 12, 2009
Learning From Lincoln
ODB RADIO: Listen Now DownloadREAD: Proverbs 3:1-8
In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. —Proverbs 3:6
The day before his 52nd birthday, Abraham Lincoln left Springfield, Illinois, to become President of the United States. With the threat of civil war looming, he said goodbye to the friends and neighbors who had come to see him off. “I now leave,” he told them, “not knowing when, or whether ever, I may return, with a task before me greater than that which rested upon Washington. Without the assistance of the Divine Being who ever attended him, I cannot succeed. With that assistance I cannot fail. Trusting in Him who can go with me, and remain with you, and be everywhere for good, let us confidently hope that all will yet be well. To His care commending you, as I hope in your prayers you will commend me, I bid you an affectionate farewell.”
Lincoln’s reliance on God for guidance and strength reflects the instruction of Solomon: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths” (Prov. 3:5-6).
On this 200th anniversary of Lincoln’s birth, we celebrate his kindness, integrity, and courage. And we can also learn from him how to face a daunting future with confident hope in the Lord. — David C. McCasland
Into His hands I lay the fears that haunt me,The dread of future ills that may befall;Into His hands I lay the doubts that taunt me,And rest securely, trusting Him for all. —Christiansen
Living without trust in God is like driving in the fog.

Good Monday Morning

Well time sure does fly when your older....lol.

Tommorow I have to go get Wesley's birth certificate - go to SSI - be there for his speech therapy - I was beginning to have second thoughts about Dr. Hobbs qualifications/but he seems to be pretty solid from what I've read online. Molly gave us some great ideas for Wesley's care - I would love to have a EEG done to see if he is having seizures but I don't know exactly how we go about getting a referral to that - and we are still back to the fact do we have to get a new pediatrician.

We found out today that Bill is going to have to have surgery again on his foot - this time to sew up the hole, hey I don't know if it is normal if you have a whole in your foot for two years - but maybe the doctor should I have sewed it up before now? I wish it wasn't on Friday the 13th - but we will do what we have to. I just hope Aunt Marie postpones her surgery - or else finds some place else to go - or we are going to have some bed issues - lol.

Working on a document production and once Carolyn gets in I am going to go and recycle some shredding and go back to shredding - I can see one corner of that office - and let me tell you that that is wonderful!

Thursday

Okay - I have to remember why I decided to call this blog "learning to have a gentle heart" - because I am surely not living up to the expectations.....

My current supervisor has made me very mad, questioning my time etc. - and I don't feel that she has done this to the other people she supervises. Why should I be the only one that is singled out out of a office of 40? And how come she assumes I am not going to put my time in there? I wish I could say I have never fudged on time - and maybe staying 7 minutes and counting it as 15 minutes is a fudge - but I have NEVER not put my time in there.

I have to learn to let it go - and not treast her so hostily or icily....but I'm not going to kiss her ass either.

Well

Yesterday I looked and saw this psalm - on my blog

I lift up my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from?My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. - Psalm 121

I went and you tubed it - because I know I have heard this song before....I found the Bebo Norman version - but it wasn't the right version - so I googled it again today - and it is

Praise You in This Storm - Third Day

My mom wrote me a nice email - and I am sure she meant well and maybe I read more into than what she wrote - but basically she wants me to focus all my attention on Wesley - and forget April - but then again maybe that is a feeling I got - and I am sure that is not the way she intended.

This is going to be a journey for us - but in no way shape or form am I going to forget about my April - she is the love of my life also - she does some crazy ass stuff - but maybe that makes me love her a little more.

Wednesday

Here it is - two days to the weekend - yipee!

Wesley was so much better yesterday when I got home - usually he appears to be zoned out - but last night he came and held his hands for me to pick him up. He also went and picked up a oatmeal snackcake wrapper, Miriam had just had one - brought it to Grandma - and was like "hey get me one" - so that might be a good sign also.

Seven Stages of Grief

Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":
7 Stages of Grief...
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 7 Stages of Grief...
5. THE UPWARD TURN-As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

Monday January 26

Well what I have been worried has come true. On Friday January 23, 2009 my son Wesley, was diagnosed with Autism. There had been worrys, things that weren't the norm for a child his age, but now it is in black and white. Boy - I honestly have to say that I am not surprised - I thought he was but to hear it, is a totally different thing. Poor Paul, he doesn't know what to do - he didn't see the problems or concerns but now he is. My little boy is the cutest most sweetest heart little man. He was laying on the floor playing with his Wiggle's piano and he accidently let go of it - ouchies - he just staarted crying and held up his arms for me to hold him. I take some comfort in the thought, that while he may never be normal here on earth that in heaven he will be - I know that is kind of morbid - to be thinking about death - but when I get there and when he gets there I'll be able to have a good long talk to him.

I am in the process of trying to figure out what I need to do - do I need to take him to a autistic doctor - do I want to take him to a nutrionist/allergist to see what his body chemistry is like? So many questions....lol.

One thing is a certain though - I will love my little boy with all my heart and all my soul.

Monday Musings

Now the Lord didn't promise a life without trials and tribulations. We tend to learn much thru trial and error :/ We can be like lambs gone astray. He also said that in this world would be troubles and pain but He has overcome the World. He said our life would not be pain free but He would walk with us. But let's be honest. Some of our troubles are not just because we are living in a fallen world. Some of it is brought on by our own sin and our own doing. Sometimes we have to deal with the consequences of our own rebellion or our own sinful desires. But He said He would not leave us nor forsake us. And He is faithful and Just to forgive us from all unrighteousness! "from A Country Mom's" blog -

I have to say this spoke to me - alot of what we bring on - we bring on ourselves - which is so true -

I got some good pictures of the kids acting funny - I'll have to come on here and post them - Wesley ate his own spagahetti this weekend and he was as red as a tomato - lol. And April and I sat down and read Genesis 1 and 2 this past Sunday - I don't know if we will be able to do this throughout the week - with her schedule and mine but I hope to keep it up. :)

January 2, 2009

Presents are important for the kids but the more the years go by, it really is the music, food, and sharing it all with people who are dear to you, that brings a warm special feeling inside you. Even though you can't forget what an often crazy world we live in. - from "A Garden Under the North Star"
Boy my priorities have totally been in the wrong place - its about the people and how often I complain and bitch and moan about having them over - I need to learn to actually do it out the joy of my heart :)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My own behavior usually appals me more than anyone elses!!
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? laughed and had fun!
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? stressed and bitched and worried - such time suckers! from "Against Your Better Judgement"

These answers are right up my alley - I usually do New Years Resolutions - then bust them the first day - lol - but these quotes these ideas are my "goals" for this year - I want to have a great relationship with my children - they are the best kids and God has blessed me truly with them - I want them to learn God's love from me - not just hate and cussing etc etc. I have a great husband - at times we get on each other's nerves - but I know I am a pain in the ass to him. I want this to be a year that "I live like I'm dying" - I want no regrets when 12/31/2009 rolls around.